Oct. - Becky and I are now sometimes sleeping together on the weekends when I am home. I still lie awake waiting for her to come home. Why does she keep doing it? Why, why, why. Two AM, I can't do anything but feel my stomach growl and feel myself getting sick. I don't want to, so I keep writing to my patient journal. It's cold. I want to go to bed. I want Becky to be home. You don't really like the people living here do you, but we like you a whole lot. 2:09 am….

I’m home this weekend. It is Sunday night and the dreaded time, the time I most feared, has finally come suddenly. Without expecting it, late at night, lying in bed, I hear those terribly awful words from Becky. 

“There’s someone else in my life and I want to have a relationship with her.”

 I scream in terror at the top of my lungs, “No, no you can’t. Why, why were you even open to another relationship without telling me first?” I continue to scream in disbelief of her desire to leave me, against my will. I accuse her of being open to a romantic relationship without telling me she was thinking about ending our friendship. I feel so betrayed, abandoned and victimized. 

It slowly sinks with a certain amount of terror, that I'm actually, really about to lose the only other woman besides my Mom, that I ever truly felt loved by. I am beyond devastated. I cannot, do a thing to change her feelings, not even a tiny bit and it feels like the bottom of my life has completely fallen out from under me. My insides are being mangled and cut up as I fall into oblivion. 

The next morning was Monday. I got into my car without saying anything to Becky or my daughters and just drove to I don’t know where. I ended up at my doctor’s office where I sank to the cement floor outside his office door in a daze waiting for him to arrive. I needed something to ease a pain I could not bear. It was far too great. 

When he arrived he took me in and let me lie down in a room. He gave me a valium which I asked for and a prescription for more. He listened as I told him what happened. He was kind, caring and understanding for which I was so grateful. I was desperately needing some relief and understanding and he let me rest there quietly for a while.

I did not, could not go back to the house where it felt like a knife had been shoved into my heart and twisted. Sobbing I drive somewhere, anywhere, then stopped somewhere to cry continuously. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “This cannot be happening,” yet it was. I have always been the one to end my relationships, probably causing my ex-partners this same grief. 

At nightfall I drove to a motel. I refused to go home or even call to let anyone know where I was. I want revenge and I am hoping they will worry their hearts out. I don’t care about how my daughters might feel, I only care about how I feel and what was done to me.

Tuesday -  Becky was gone when I drove home during the evening, but she hadn’t taken all of her clothes. I dial the number of the place she was supposed to be, knowing she's probably with Lyn. I lie on the living room couch, hanging onto my phone, listening to it ring on the other end, all night long. 

The sound of her phone ringing in my ear all night is the only thing I could do. I needed to grab on to any kind of closeness and connection to Becky while warding off the terror about to consume me. I am glad there was no answering machine to stop the ringing. I can’t hang up because I couldn't stand the pain of being alone…in the silence. 

Wed.  I physically attend school today, but this evening, I'm feeling numb. All my feelings seem to be numbed up. I have a counseling appointment with Dr. Davidson next Monday at 10 o’clock. From out of the depths of my anguish, I cry out, but no one hears. Suddenly, from nowhere or somewhere, something says, 

“I hear.” 

Then an inner conversation develops,

“I have my health, my life, my girls, my school. I have me. I want me to be the very best I can be.”

Then I hear something else say, "I need to take care of her, love her, pamper her, listen to her, help her. I am her best friend.”

Then, "I am my own best friend! I know what I'm feeling, best of all. I understand me." 

Then, "I'm not going to let her fall on her face. I’m going to support you, love you and help you to gain the strength you need to get to school and be away from the daughters you love. I will take care of you. I promise.”

The next day I feel pain and confusion inside and hear another inner conversation. 

“I love you baby. I will be with you always. Call on me whenever you need me.” 

That must be my “orange” self which I used to call Lisa  but now will change to call Olga.

Olga, “I will be there for you. If I am not there right away, be a little patient. I will come and give you strength and hope for tomorrow.” 

Then,

“Others will see you shine. Others will gain strength from you and you will feel good about that.” 

That has to be my “optimistic” apple I call Anna.

Olga, “I need sometimes to hear from you, Anna, but I trust you, that when I need you, you will comfort me.” 

The strong apple part of me is replacing the loss of Becky with the soft, sweet and now delicate orange part of me. 

“I strong Anna, loves soft delicate orange Olga.”

Anna and Olga together will make a beautiful person, someday.

Anna — “Let's don't ever neglect or ignore each other.” 

Olga — “I promise. My promise is weak right now, but when I am strong, with your help, you can bet I'll be right with you. I love you and I'll always be with you.” 

Anna— Now that we have found each other, we will never be alone again.” 

Olga —“Thank you Anna. I was afraid that I would lose you if I came on too strong, but I guess I knew you wouldn't totally desert me. I need you too. Now we have a love affair going that will last a lifetime. We can talk every night in this journal and if not in this journal we will communicate in some quiet place.” 

Anna —“Yes, Olga I would like that. Thank you.” 

Olga —“We will get together this evening and discuss the day. I love you.”

Anna — “And I love you too.”

Thurs.   Today at school, unable to study, Anna says,

“Olga you want Becky, you love her don't you?” 

Olga— “Yes Anna, I love her and I want her.” 

Anna— “But you know Olga we can't have her.” 

Olga— “Yes, Anna but we’ll keep trying won't we? We won't give up. Next week we will talk to her maybe, but not stay overnight unless she wants us to. I know she won't want us to, so let's plan on going to LA.”

Friday - I’m home today for the weekend and feeling melancholy. Sad for my love for Becky, who has love for another. I am being dragged along in excruciating pain daily, first by Becky falling for another woman, then her telling me and not moving out right away. I have to see her clothes all mixed in with mine.

I suddenly remember a strange question she asked me, out of the blue, a few months back. I had no idea at the time how significant it was, nor how devastating my answer would be to me. She asked me,

“Do you see us growing old together?” 

I was stunned and taken aback, not quite knowing what to say. I had not thought of an “us” in the distant future nor had I not thought of an “us,” anywhere, so I simply said no, that I hadn’t given it any thought. But in my reality I expected we would stay together, unless or until I called it quits. I was the only one to call an end to my relationships. 

I wash the sheets to my bed. Found her hair and labeled it. My heart broke and was bleeding yesterday and today. They won't be there again, in my bed together. I can't pay that price. Tomorrow life will begin anew. I will be a stronger woman and by tomorrow night I will come to you, my journal and tell you about it. 

My lost love. Gone forever from my heart. Don't want her back now. I will survive and go on to new loves. I think about Mickey and Helen. There will be others. There’s Paula, nice Paula, ready to come and be with me. There is Gwynn inviting me for a Friday evening stay over. I love to talk and listen to Gwynn. Of course I'd love to be held by Gwen also. I'd love to be held by Mickey. 

Tues. At school and unable to concentrate:  Anna remembers having told Becky she would not be seeing the girls any more after she left. There was hurt and pain in her voice, when she told her. 

Olga feels badly because she doesn't want Anna to hurt Becky. 

Anna—“She has hurt us, Olga. She heard hurt and pain in our voice and has hardened herself against us. We must do the same. You must let me take over now, today at least. I love you Olga, If you feel bad, I feel bad. Do you hear me?” 

Olga— “Yes, Anna I hear you. I want you to learn in school today and be at peace. I love you most of all and so you come first. If you want and need for me to rest and be silent, I will for you, but only because you want me to. Just don't forget me here. You didn't contact me last night as you promised, except just for a second and it wasn't enough. I need to communicate with you. If you communicate with me often, I will accommodate you. I need some nourishment, I can't just be left alone. Show me that you love me and I'll do everything I can for you.”

Anna— “Olga dear, I love you so much now and I will try my best to remember you this evening. Call me so that I can hear you. Don't assume I know you want me. If we both listen, we will be able to communicate. I will listen for your call tonight, but please rest today and let me concentrate. I need to learn this difficult and final Cobol language.” 

Olga— “Okay, okay, I trust you, I’ll rest today. I'll call for you tonight, but if you don't hear me, remember I will be hurting and may give you trouble tomorrow. I'll let go for today' 'cause you need to study and it must be difficult if I keep bothering you.” 

Anna— “Yes it is difficult, but someday Olga, you and I will be very happy and I can rest more and let you out more. But right now I need to be out more, I need to complete this last assignment, with you resting. Bye for now.”  

~~~~

School in LA continues, spending nights at May’s and home on weekends, while Becky is there for the girls during the week. I need a new journal to write my feelings in. I cannot talk to Becky about them. I need to learn how to be on my own. Now, more than ever I need to write. 

My “orange” has been getting stronger over the last couple of months. It is wanting a book with empty pages to express itself in. There is a certain peace about putting feelings down on paper, especially now; my own private space. I love the feeling. I know it is orange; so different from writing down apple thoughts. It’s a good feeling, knowing my orange is getting stronger. Olga wants to take over, but Anna is still wanting to be in charge.

Wed.  I won't dream of having Becky back. I know there's only one chance out of a million. It hurts too much to go from that kind of dream to reality so I must not let myself. I'm too far into it already. I want to be strong in me. I want to experience me during this weekend, the first free one in a long time; free daytime. I want to be stronger in me and think more about me. 

We, Olga and I, meet Helene and we like her, but we must gently put her aside for now, like for two weeks. We are much stronger. We don't want Becky now. She has moved her things out to the garage and it's almost like she has permanently left, but she is continuing to be with the girls at night.

The last painful thing Becky could do and she just might, is to move out totally now. I will have to come home on Wednesday evening. My school schedule would have to change. Becky is here on Tuesday through Thursday night overnight while I am in LA. On the other hand, it would be good if she left now. I could begin to heal and I would know for certain that she is out of my life forever. My life would not have to touch hers. I'd be in control of my life again. That would be good for me!

Wed.   At May’s after school, in the evening. “Anna” calls for Olga.

Olga, “Yes Anna?”

“I love you Olga and I want to tell you some things that we have to do.” 

“I am listening.”

“You don't really want to hear this do you, Olga?” 

Olga, “No, I don’t, but you must speak.” 

Anna, “You wanted to be out this morning, but I talked you into resting, and you did rest and I thank you. I promised I’d communicate with you tonight and I am, but I'm not sure I want us to communicate very often nowadays. You are gentle, fragile, loving and kind and I don't want you hurt.” 

Olga, “But Anna, I need to get strong. I think it will be okay for me to be strong for both of us. I'm not completely sure, but almost sure. I trust you Anna. I trust that the decisions you make will be the best ones for both of us. I believe you love me, and since I am part of you, I will let you protect me from hurt and pain. I am a bit afraid though, that you won't think of me when it is my turn to be out; when it's time to love and enjoy beautiful things. I may not be strong enough to make you let me out.”

“Olga, I think I have a solution to that. I think I can make myself remember from time to time, that you are there and that you can enrich our life. I won't let myself forget you. I will communicate with you, if I think the time may be right. You indeed can let me know if the time is right or not, for you to enrich our lives in a little while.” 

Anna, "I try and study but…you are making too sure I don't forget you, Olga. All evening you have fantasized loving Alice. You can't do that. That is anticipating and that is not good. It stops the flow and it often leads to disappointment and carried too far can lead to rejection.” 

  ~ Devastation sets in ~

Friday   Becky wasn’t gone when I came home from school yesterday like she usually is. She's taken the rest of her things from the garage and seemingly saying a last goodbye. We lie on the bed together for what seems like an hour or two as I silently beg for her.

As we gaze into each other’s eyes, I am being very sensual. She says with a slight chuckle, “I can tell that you are going to be just fine,” but I'm not believing her at all. Suddenly the doorbell rings. Lyn has come for her Becky and I scream in anger at her and Becky. 

Now, as Becky leaves and closes the door behind her, a full blown sinking feeling plunges it's way through me convincing me it is over beyond any doubt. Lyn, coming in the night and taking my Becky away; how romantic. Lyn rescues Becky from her tormentor, me. 

It felt good asserting myself to Lyn. Getting my anger out and on whom it belongs, on Lyn, not on myself or my girls. I was done wrong and I am angry and I yell at Lyn exactly how I feel about what she and Becky are doing to my life. I'm not passively taking Becky’s bullshit, pain and anguish that she has dished out to me. I know Becky won’t come back to me. I don’t want her back, although I’d accept a temporary “back” if Lyn rejected her, which is highly unlikely. I’m certainly not counting on it. 

All I really needed to do was vent my anger, which I did on Becky and I got at Lyn somewhat. However Lyn doesn't know all about the devastating effects of her actions. It doesn't matter though, at least we met. She isn't much to look at. I've got it all over her. Someday Becky will know that, but it will be too late.

In my bathroom now, never again to be ours, I sob, harder than I've ever cried in my whole life. Guttural sounds over and over were coming out of my throat, experiencing the most unbearable pain I have ever consciously felt in my life. Sitting on my toilet seat, making myself vocalize semblances of songs out loud, for what seemed like a very long time. 

From my throat came un-recognizable raspy, croaking sounds that aren't real songs, but I could not bare to hear my agonizing thoughts, so I keep up the so called “singing,” rising and falling sounds, rising and falling…until, with a stupefying numbness of finality that my mind can’t make sense of, and with the help of a valium, I crawl mindlessly into bed.

 

~~~~~