Introduction

I experienced an emotional trauma at eighteen months. I believed my feelings didn't matter because I wasn't fed when I was hungry. (I was fed on a strict clock schedule) Also I felt abandoned and rejected because when my brother was born he took my safe and loving place at Mother's breast nursing. I could only watch, without a mind to understand what must have been painful to baby me, causing much anger and suffering. 

I remember I bit my fingernails at age three and Mother putting "hot stuff" on them to keep me from biting them, which didn't work. The emotional trauma I felt, no doubt inhibited my right hemisphere from its natural development. I wasn't able to experience healthy love, bonding, closeness, caring, or any other natural emotional experiences. I became terrified of others, anxious and nervous fearing another emotional rejection from someone. My left brain became very strong and overdeveloped in order to "protect" me and keep me from emotionally connecting with another human.

In 1980 at age forty, I was emotionally traumatized again when my partner left me against my will, just as I was becoming emotionally vulnerable, open and loving. This abandonment and rejection triggered the unknown, unacknowledged and un-dealt with babyhood rejection trauma.

The next morning, after the final breakup, I became disoriented for a year and didn't know which end was up. My old left brain familiar self was gone completely and my previously unknown and undeveloped right hemisphere was all that was functioning to experience life from/with.

This trauma and perhaps the first one also, could be called a psychological dissociation, a spiritual awakening, an episode of psychosis, or what is currently known as a spiritual emergence. That happened in 1980 and the Dualistic poems below were written during the midst and slow ending of my pain and anguish, when I thought I was a person and hadn't recognized I was more of a Spiritual Essence/Energy.

These dualistic are the most painful experiences of my life, before realizing what it meant to have had a "spiritual awakening" or a "spiritual emergence" to the Truth of the Essence of what I really AM. However, without acknowledgement and guidance of a mentor or spiritual teacher, I remained mostly engulfed in the pain of ego/mind,  emotional depression and isolation. As I slowly began to discover and realize the Essence of what I truly AM around 2000, I slowly began to realize I was not the flawed and defective person I thought I was for the first half of my life.

Most of the poems under my first Poem link, "Non-Dual poems" were written after my full and complete awakening and understanding of my Life and my inner True Self as well as what all the transformational experiences were about in my younger years. They are published in a book called "Essence of Nature" on Amazon.

 

 

My baby, child, adult

 

You were such a perfect child 

for any Mom to have...

beautiful, dependable, responsible

 as any child could be...

did just what was expected, 

and followed all the rules

from childhood to adult

 

Dishes, chores and everything 

got done without fail 

and without reminders too. 

Rarely did I not know

 where you were 

or when you would be home...

What more could a mother ask?

 

A perfect student you were 

for any teacher to have...

taking pride in your schoolwork, 

getting mostly A's. 

Never stepping out of line, 

always homework done on time. 

What more could a teacher ask?

 

A perfect worker, yes you were, 

from paper girl to library page...

always on time, 

giving your very best 

and doing each job well. 

What more could an employer ask?

 

And to own a car 

with such pride 

and care for it so well...

It couldn't ask for a better owner. 

Yes, dear child, you've done well, 

by everyone involved...

Mom, teachers and employers...

we're all so very proud

 

Now that you're eighteen years 

with only you to please, 

what can you say of childhood 

that's only in your dreams? 

Were you just as pleased as all of us

and did you play enough?

 

Did you feel the childish gaiety 

that comes from being young? 

In my effort to train you well

 did I crush your fragile spirit

 and trample on your soul? 

 

Did I inadvertently push on you 

too many adult life burdens 

because you were my first born child 

and I needed all your help?

 

What about the fun that's had

 while growing up 

without adult responsibilities... 

what of the childhood freedom 

to just be you...

enjoying living, loving and giving?

 

I can't take back the burdens 

that I placed upon your soul...

but please feel free 

to come to me 

whenever you need help, 

for some loving kind support

 or a caring listening ear. 

For my whole life long, 

I'll always be here for you 

any day or night

 

Whomever you become 

and whatever you may do, 

you'll always have 

a special heart place 

belonging just to you...

and if nothing else 

please know I love you 

more than you may know...

 

Then of course 

for you to know 

you'll always and forever be 

my baby, child, adult.

 

Mom ~ 1983 

 

 

 Invisible Scars

 

You can't see my pain, my bruises or scars

You can't see my rage though you may try hard

They're buried inside in a very deep hole

very silently crushing my soul

Kids taunt and they tease and shout out my name

To them it was all just some little game

For me I was angry and scared and I cried

‘cause I couldn't find a safe place to hide

 

My spirit was dying my little soul bled

as their cruel words rained down on my head

And then I go home in search of relief

but lo and behold in there was more grief

 

My mother condemned me, my brother poked fun

Together they shamed me, but I couldn't run

I'm sure I deserved it... she said to my face

"You're such a disgrace to the whole human race

 

I want to be free of the pain and the blame

I cannot continue the weight of the shame

With so many putting me down every day

my little shattered spirit no longer found its way

 

My light had gone out... barely lit that it was

‘cause no one was there to champion my cause

Feeling hopelessly lost and nowhere to turn

I just knew that for sure in hell I would burn

 

So then I grew up believing the worst

and  what I'd been told became my own curse

I found that I couldn't become any more

than what they all told me since I was four

 

~ 1993 ~

 

 

Dreams

 

In darkest hours my dreams take flight,

then seem to vanish in the night.

Without a caring ear to hear

they all get lost out there in fear.

Believe in me and hold my hand 

for I need strength to help me stand.

Please grab me firmly all around

when I fall slowly to the ground.

 

For if my dreams stay wrapped in shrouds

I can never make my daughters proud

of who I really am inside

because instead I chose to hide.

Talents and gifts will die with me 

and all be scattered 'neath a tree

Remembered not having made the grade 

and thus their memory of me fades.

 

It's not enough to just exist,

to not go forth and take a risk

My spirit has to come on out 

find its own way and learn to shout

I want to reach up to the sky 

and make my dreams come out alive

and dancing from my center stage

with total disregard for age.

 

Then when my daughters view my life

they'll see my dreams all did take flight.

"She struggled on through thick and thin

has never ever given in"

and when their hopes come crashing down 

they'll all know better than to frown

they'll hold their dreams up to the light

and never lose them in the night.

 

~ 1994 ~

 

 

My Sweet Tami 

 

I've helped my daughter all along

when she wasn't feeling all that strong

I was so glad this child was mine

when one day she felt a strong decline

 

Her luck with men had all run out

and she listened to me shout

Come live in my house now with me

We'lI make out you wait and see

 

She lived for free and had a cat

but then she took some young man's crap

And roommates too, she hated that

But now that is not where she is at

 

She had a child by that young man

Now he's gone and she must stand

with her young son in her hand

and make her way in this here land

 

I've since moved out and then came back

With an old RV in yard out back

Nearby I am where she can call

when or if she ever falls

 

My little grandson, oh so sweet

He's five years old and what a treat

I've cared for him through thick and thin

Whenever Mom has not been in

 

I've helped Mom too and did my best

to get her started in her quest

to find a business she could do

with love and joy her whole life through

 

Someday I'd like to hear her to say

Wow, Mom's been good to me today

I feel I want to jump and shout

And try my best to help her out

 

~ 2000 ~

 

 

Alternative Living

 

Nobody taught me, I didn’t know

Life for me just didn't flow

No one helped or showed me the way

Now that I’m old with hair turning gray

I am out in the street, and don’t have a job

While everyone says, boy is she odd

 

They say I should know, how could I not learn?

From just watching people

Follow their lead 

Be like them indeed

I watched, but I cried

And wanted to hide

 

Keep your nose to the grindstone, never give up

Smile all the time and ignore what’s inside

If you live long enough you’ll get to retire

Then you can do what you desire

You’ve got to follow the rules long before you get old

So if you’re in the street, you deserve to be cold

 

I don’t want to be odd and I do want a job

Helping to respect little children especially the girls

Allowing each one to be equally heard

So they can find out just who they are

and use their abilities, talents and skills

to help teach the world to love and feel filled.

 

 ~  October 2002 ~

 

 

 Homeless Life

 

Rainy day no toilet

Rain dilutes everything

Sneak and dump

Land gives and 

land takes in

 

Cold, wet clothes

Roof leaking

Drip, drop, splash

A do nothing day

 

 ~ 2002 ~

 

 

 Surviving

 

All alone

Suffering

cheeks soaking

releasing fears

Searing pain 

No one holding me

No one near

Life hits me 

Over and over

Can’t see from here

 

~ December 2002 ~

 

 

 Nobody Cares

 

Nobody cares that I’m all alone

Suffering pain that is only my own

My cheeks soaking with a salty dew

I release all my fears, knowing nothing is new

 

The pain, so searing, is always the same 

And I never hear anyone speaking my name

With sweetness and caring and holding me near

Telling me all will be well, I've nothing to fear

 

This isn’t the first and it won’t be the last

When life throws me a curve, and it hits so fast

But I know in the future they’ll be someone near

To help buffer my pain by lend me an ear

 

 ~ 2002 ~

 

 

Broken Spirits

 

Physical pain, so easy to see

A ragged little boy with scars on his body 

that automatically scream

Please, please somebody help me

 

We rush to his aid giving sustenance freely

Feeling badly for him we didn’t help early

We shout to the world this shouldn’t happen

and make up a law to punish the batterer

 

The plump little girl sits silently near,

Waiting her turn for someone to hear

Shy to speak up but polite as can be 

While screaming inside somebody,

somebody please, please help me

 

Her spirits long broken by unkind words

Hurt not recognized, pain not heard

Nobody listens so no one can know

All of her suffering, where does it go?

 

In a short while we’ll all just forget

The sweet little girl who sat on the step

but long we’ll remember the physical scars

And thoughts of the boy will tug at out hearts

 

 ~  September 2002 ~

 

 

My Blessings

 

My emotional pain washes over me

But I have a pencil to write with

I have light to see in the dark

I am fortunate

 

I hear the night sounds of aliveness

Frogs peeping away as I write

I sleep in a cozy, safe place

I am grateful

 

I wake to warm sunshine

I have good food to eat

And fire to heat my water

I am joyful

 

I feel physically great

I can walk, run and unload lumber

I have a vehicle to drive

I am blessed

 

~ 2002 ~

 

 

Ode to a Great Tree 

 

You were born a seedling, 

grew in tree stature in this 

great forest among all your 

neighboring Douglas Firs. 

You were wounded by 

human's machinery 

during your youth 

You endured the wound

in your lower trunk and 

grew anyway as best you 

could to your present height 

in splendor as you

knew to do 

 

Now with the weight of 

your great height the 

blight at your weakened base 

has been cracked and you 

could have an untimely death.

As humans do, we must end 

your life before you

fall on our home

or injure one of us

 

I have only just met you and 

I'm saddened by your

impending destruction

sometime this week

I thank you for your presence for 

the short time I've known you 

I'm truly sorry for the careless 

actions of the machine driver 

that wounded you years ago

May you be recycled and your 

energy transformed into something 

of equal or greater value 

in this universe. 

I love you

 

 ~ 2003 ~

 

 

Need a Friend

 

Freak, odd, different, not normal

Certainly not in the ‘nice’ category

Sadness endures

Never passing quickly

Who is there that cares….no one

I need a friend, need a friend, need a friend

 

Years of pain and sorrow

Seeing no end

Suffering alone 

in silent desperation

I want a friend, want a friend, want a friend

 

Kathleen’s installation, 

joy all around her

Me, deep in a sadness 

that cannot be relieved

Joy for her, pain for me 

Help me get out of my torment

Be my friend, be my friend, be my friend.

 

 ~ 2008 ~

 

 

 Mother to Daughter

 

So remorseful am I

for the emotional neglect

and abandonment of my baby Kim

Same trauma experienced

between me and my Mom

some seven decades ago.

 

Totally unaware was I

of the web of affection and bonding

that should have been created

Too late I realize I'm walking

 in the flames of hell,

as punishment for my misdeeds

Having thrown you aside 

for my studies and work

Ignoring your love and your needs

 

So sorry am I for us both

I didn’t need my Mom as an adult

as you don’t need yours now.

You however, will not pass on

 this tragic fate to an offspring 

 because you chose not to reproduce

 

So deep is the wound, so wide is the gulf,

I can only holler from the other

side of the gully, hoping 

some day you may hear my echo

and forgive me

I love you, love you, love you…..Mom

 

 ~ 2008 ~

 

 

Human Mistake

 

To much estrogen in my veins

I love him so much

I want to be protected

I want to be led, I am female

 

My gender identity doesn’t match

my cultures norms

who is wrong?

Me or my culture.

 

I am created by

a mysterious force

beyond my choice or desire

I am innocent of any design

of my spirit and soul,

I AM that

 

Culture designed by humans,

rules set up and norms adhered to

language made up and imprecise

used by humans as if all were accurate

 

I was created by God

Culture norms, created by humans

God doesn’t make mistakes,

humans do

 

To much testosterone in my veins

I love her so much

I want to protect

I want to lead, but I am female

 

 ~ 2009 ~

 

 

The Way it Was

 

Sorrow for the way we were

How were we Mom and Dad?

You didn’t show me how to love you

so I couldn’t know. 

 

Now I cry for you

and want you to be near

I want to feel your love for me

and want to give you mine

I don’t know how to do that still

you didn't show me how.

You really didn’t know how, did you?

 

My tears flow for us

because we never knew each other

how sad is that

mom, dad and daughter

I can’t love you when 

all I feel is criticism

I can’t know you

 when I feel shut out

why didn’t you love your child

your only daughter?

 

Was she to skinny, 

 shy, and stubborn?

No, that was not the case

I thought you didn't care Mom,

but now I know you did

You couldn’t show me love then

'cause I couldn't let you in

I never felt your love for me

 and I’m sorry that 

I couldn’t give you back 

the love you felt for me.

 

 ~ 2009 ~

 

 

Few Pleasures

 

My pleasures are few

my life is so hard

I don’t have a house

a job or a yard 

plus I live in a trailer

where many things break

 

Keeping things working is

my main job

Now, many broken things

is making me sob

Computer, car and fridge 

TV and furnace too, 

all at once is hard to bridge

 

Joy is when my furnace works

and I am toasty warm

Joy is when I have fresh 

food to eat and walk to exercise

Joy is when I'm not ill

and dwelling in deep peace

I'd be happy just to have this

once or twice a week 

 

 ~  Sept. 2009 ~

 

 

In Between Worlds

 

I live here in poverty 

between two worlds

of sadness and joy 

of male and female

of gay and straight

of working and retired

of mind and spirit

never fully 

in one or the other

how do I survive?

 

 ~ June 2010~

 

 

Always Alone

 

The alone feelings come crashing over me

like water over a dam, or so it feels

A rush of silent injury to my fragile being

every time you say goodbye...

feels like being tossed

by the wayside for a time

I crumble in tears for what no longer is.

 

Separating hurts more than you’d think

 A day in the forest driving along,

seeing things together, singing my song,

connection, joining together just for the day. 

Companionship longings gently fulfilled

with these feelings of togetherness

 

Now torn away and back to my world

familiar but cold and always alone 

the never ending pain of loneliness

seeps in to chill my bones

 

Time needs to pass for these feelings to fade

The abruptness of leaving will soften and die

Until the next time when I resist your visit

Not wanting to succumb to the closeness

of being together and all that it means, 

followed by the pain of separation.

 

This I have chosen a few days a year 

instead of always being alone 

 

 ~ 2010 ~

 

 

Risking

 

For all the years gone by

I have hidden low

No one could know who I really am

Then I took risks was out with friends

But very slowly went back in my shell

 

The world doesn’t want me the way that I am

So I dare not proclaim who I think I am

Maybe I’m not, but maybe I am

No, I don’t want to be gay

It’s too hard to exist

Not knowing where I can share freely 

My joy and my pain

 

I’m not happy here, don’t want to be enclosed

I want to share me with the rest of the world

I’m kind and I’m nice, but that doesn’t count

People say no, you shouldn’t be that

 

I try once again to overcome the pain

Step out from the shade and drink in the light

Will I be safe this time, not so sure

It’s better nowadays that it was years ago

 

Maybe it is worth it to take a big chance

To not care about neighbors and people at work

To just be myself and be in the world

that which I know is my authentic self

 

Will others notice or care who I am

As long as I’m caring and loving

I think I’m okay and worth all the risk 

To take on a partner and be open and proud

Instead of hiding alone and so sad

 

Yes, I will take a stand and ask for support 

From all of the women I’ve known over time

My soul will be happy, my spirit will shout

It is high time me and a partner

gets up and comes out

 

 ~ 2011~

 

 

 Then and Now

 

Facial evidence worn

of sixty years of pain, 

sorrow, anger, disappointment,

scowl lines, drooping mouth,

rounded shoulders, 

sagging aging skin 

This picture is present

to everyone I meet

 

What isn’t known to you 

are the many years it took,

through sobbing, crying 

and more sobbing 

forgiving my enemies 

loving them instead,

knowing this anguish 

must subside.

 

Slowly the soul is cleansed

of all its suffering

Until this day when 

I can smile and say

It doesn’t matter anyway

 

Inside there is an emptiness,

a freedom from it all

Joy, peace and love abound

behind this older face

Keeping firmly grounded

in every moment’s Grace

Something always wants to sing

about the greatest mystery 

in every living thing

 

 ~ Fall 2011 ~

 

 

Wounded Earth

 

A scoured landscape

poisoned heartland

polluted air,

rivers and oceans

bruised forest lands

scraped clean in many places

this is our planet

this is Mother earth

feeling the pain and anguish

of her deepening wounds

 

A few million years, 

now elapsed since then

Life becomes non-existent

Mother shrugged her shoulders

renewed her Spirit,

healed her many wounds

regenerated her forests,

her rivers and oceans,

Gave new life to plants and animals

 

Finally resting and healthy again, 

in pouring down rain

she puts forth a question

should I birth humans again?

She hears a well defined answer

amidst all the rain,

thunder’s loud rumble and crackle

means never again

 

 ~ 2012 ~

 

 

~~~~~