Chapter 3     1982 - 1985

~ A Spiritual Unfolding and integration beginning ~


Feb.  My two selves have another conversation...."Apple" (left brain now named Anna) and "Orange" (right brain now named Olga)

Before Anna and Olga begin their conversation, let me first explain how they originated within me a couple of years ago after I met Becky and she subsequently moved in with me and my three daughters. Becky was able to get pot leaves, there were no buds then and we smoked together for a year or two on the weekends. What I learned about my right and left hemisphere had life long benefits for me.

"It’s been almost 4 months since you let me take over. My jogging is going strong. Now I must consult you, Olga dear, “I don't know what to do now. How do you feel?”

Olga - “I'm feeling okay. I'm wanting love now. I feel like you're letting me come up and you don't know whether to put me back down or not. I think now maybe it is okay for me to surface. I feel maybe we can work together. I don't need to stay away for months anymore maybe. You made us stronger. My need for a personal love isn't as great as it was last October. 

You getting a job and jogging probably fulfills your needs and makes my emotional needs less severe. You're doing a good job Anna, but don’t, I say don't stop. Now I am telling you we are closer to both of us becoming fulfilled and we must both work, not just me and not just you. I won't go away and don't you go away. You hear me? You are not allowed to go away. Keep working. My life is dependent on you, Anna. I have your back and will support you totally. I'll take over when appropriate. Together we must go on.”

Anna - “I am glad that you tell me to go on. I need to know I must continue with our life. I know I must jog for exercise for our lifetime. I think I am up to that now. I'm sure you will get your love eventually. I know you're there and well developed now. But remember Olga, you must also work towards our emotional life.”

Olga - “Yes, I know I need to work and I'm willing and ready. If you promise to continue in our physical health department, for the rest of our life, I will promise to look out for our emotions, for the rest of our life. I know how to love and now I know who to love. He will come to us, if it is meant to be. You tend to your business and don't interfere in mine. That's important. Trust me from now on.”

Anna - “Okay.”

There appears to be two me’s within, so I write…Hard Apple/Anna Keri and Soft Orange/Olga Keri reside in the same body. They were born together into infancy. Now I hope they can cooperate for the benefit of us both. They each are in a separate compartment with separate duties it seems, yet must grow and work together somehow; an orange, Olga "feminine," right brain me and an Apple, Anna "masculine," left brain me. 



Apple Anna is more in charge of physical survival, financially and health wise and often forgets all about weaker orange, still developing Olga. How to unite and work together is an unknown? Is there a winner and a loser here? They used to converse more with each other. Now they are only observed by something.

Anna is the one on a quest to discover the truth about why I am the way I am. Why do my daughters disrespect me? How come other people discount me? Why did two of my friends drop me as a friend and others exclude me from a group? Why was I such a failure and a loser in life job wise? How is it that other people have homes, jobs and partners/spouses to define them and I have none of those things? Why am I so different? 

I want acknowledgement, respect and love like everyone else, but I have no idea where or how to get it. If only someone had noticed me in my pain and said to me convincingly, “You can choose to perceive things differently and your pain will be no more; come I will guide you,” it would have been so nice.

A question suddenly erupts. Who is this apple "I" that "wants," but doesn't know where or how to get acknowledgement, respect and love, Olga? Olga says she knows how, if I let her have control. What does that mean? Is she my "guide?"

Wed. A new book group reading "The Bhagavad Gita" has started at church. At the first meeting I became extremely interested in that book. It seems kinda "spiritual," and to my amazement I find myself identifying with the people in it.  

What is being told to Arjuna by Lord Krishna on the battlefield makes so much sense to me; lessons on a practical way to live. It relates to my life exactly, filling in some blanks. It is quite amazing, how much I relate to what it says. I begin to get some clarification for the first time, about how to live without so much pain.

One night as the group leader was closing the meeting he said things like, "We are all One together in this room, in this city, this country, this universe...Suddenly a strange unexplainable feeling enveloped my body.

It was beyond euphoric and lasted for a few minutes. I don’t move as people get  up and go to the kitchen for snacks. I sit still in rapture, feeling completely one with, not only the Universe, but everything else! Soon I rise and slowly walk to the kitchen as the feeling vanishes. I tell no one about it.

Leaving church afterwards and walking up the stairs to the parking lot, I see a tree to the right of the top of the stairs glistening. The beauty is exquisite. I knew at that moment I was experiencing it from Orange/Olga, right brained self without being stoned. Needless to say I am thrilled that Olga showed me such deep beauty, such as I'd never before experienced. I think Olga may be a qualified Guide. If that's the case, I just need to get out of the way and let her lead more. I wonder if I could do that? Is that "I" the controlling Apple me? I think so.





Mother’s Day  —Tom and I and a few others from church go car camping to Mount Pinos. I gulp up the air, the scenery and the people, for two days…it is so wonderful. Cold. 

Saturday evening Tom is in his sleeping bag with only his head showing. I was into ignoring close contact with him to protect me from pain. Then I wish I'd kissed him on the lips. Too late, too late. Sunday sad, sad, sad, no tears. Hint. No friends; hurt 42-year-old woman with no friends. Leave and come home sad. Hike on Sunday. Looking nice on the outside and no one knows the pain sadness and aloneness on the inside. Now bedtime alone and so sad. I let the tears come, but for what or who do they come? Why? No answers.

I'm anxious as I take a slow hard look at my life. I see a pattern and realize that I had the Cinderella syndrome, expecting my prince to come and rescue me. I decide to face my fears and deal with them. In taking responsibility for shaping my own life, I realize I chose to be poor and to feel sorry for myself. On the plus side, none of my daughters cause me big problems as teenagers; problems like becoming alcoholic or drug addicted like their Dad, or smoking cigarettes even.

I simply love having my teenagers around and being home with them, watching them grow up, doing activities and having experiences I couldn’t have growing up, but wanted to. Getting good grades, having friends and opportunities for self expression was what I would have loved to have. Instead I allow my girls to have them and I live through them vicariously all their growing up years. Now I must create my own life and live through me, by way of me. I don't have healthy role models. Ma and Dad never graduated from high school, and were financially poor.

I seek out a mental health counselor at the County mental health department. At my second session he falls asleep in front of me while I am talking. I try a couple of others counselors and don’t seem to be able to trust them enough to express my feelings. When I do explain to another counselor that I want to know how to connect emotionally with other people in an intimate non-romantic manner, he says he understands that, but I don’t get any direction on how to accomplish it. 

Sept.  - This morning I exercise. It feels good. I want to continue to exercise every day. I am losing weight and I join Overeaters Anonymous to see how others are losing it. I discover that the twelve steps are an excellent "set of directions" for living. I so wish my parents had given me directions like these, but Ma did her best to bolster me with her Puritan religion which was more like emotional abuse for me. 

Today I had a rare headache. I realize I'm in my orange world most of the time now. But tonight I feel apple. I did not enjoy the meeting I went to. I didn't share; didn't want to. I didn't feel comfortable because the top light in the room was so bright. The atmosphere did not lend itself to my opening up and sharing my real self. People were talking surface talk and I only like real below the surface deep talk.


Feb. I discover a television program called “There is a Way.” Dale Batesole interviews various spiritual teachers and I'm fascinated. I record many programs to listen to again. I know in my gut that both Dale and his guests are sharing truths which match my apple/orange way of living. His guests talk about a way to live that seems a lot like living from my right brain world; the one I seem to be experiencing a lot these days, without being stoned.

I write to Dale to ask him if God is in, or perceived from, the right brain and he responds with a resounding, "Yes," that God was indeed experienced from the right brain. This was encouraging and reaffirming for me to hear. I had felt a strong and deep experiential knowing that the orange part of my brain was allowing me to experience feelings and emotions I never could with my left brain. I am so glad I am strengthening my orange brain by having more and more orange experiences, which I am assuming will develop and strengthen it.

I have not smoked pot since Becky left so I cherish fleeting moments of experiences when I am in my orange state; a state from which I'd never experienced unless I was stoned. Whenever they do occur, I dwell there as long as I can, because I know my orange is definitely functioning now, much stronger than before my pot smoking. I want full access to its God “treasures.” Especially now, knowing that it is where I can experience all the other “feminine” aspects that have been so absent from my life so far, like nurturing, love, caring, sensitivity and generally an overall natural ability to relate with people, which I sorely lacked, as my old apple self. I suspect most of my fears are coming because I cannot consciously access my orange part.

Arguments between Apple/Anna and Orange/Orna brain parts in the past have seemed similar to arguments between two actual people. Rational/Logic/ verbal mind versus emotions and no words "mind?" Strong Apple always wins because Orange is passive in comparison. Apple is selfish, controlling and always decides what it wants and allows Orange to “help.”

Apple has to really give up control, of winning and being scared and then trust Orange. Apple and Orange are trying to work it out between them in order to be balanced. They’re ineffective alone it seems. They really need each other to become happy, I think…the drama continues.

NOTE: Twenty seven years after this writing, in 2010, Ian McGilchrist published his famous first book called, “The Master and his Emissary." In Part I, he validates my apple/orange discovery of two separate worlds/selves inside my own brain, each with their own perceptions and language. He did studies world wide showing the validity of the two separate worlds inside the human brain, that appear to be opposites. He calls my "Orange" the “Master” and my "Apple" the “Emissary.”

Finally all my "internal experiences of my right and left brain worlds" from four years ago in 1979, when I smoked pot with Becky will be affirmed, however I won't experience this validation until 2010. I have always been "ahead of my time" with my ideas and discoveries. This is one example of waiting for others to "catch up to" my ideas. 

I'm quite happy with my job at the restaurant, I've had now for two months. Pam has also been hired to waitress there. Jim invites me to his other restaurant and I get a first and only ride in a helicopter. He travels daily to his other restaurant to get the day’s receipts. It is exciting for me, to say the least. We have lunch before returning to Ventura. He seems very impressed by my computer skills. He is so proud and happy with me because I can run his computer and keep records on it for the restaurant. He tells everyone how I set it up with a payroll program so he doesn’t have to do year end payroll by hand. He's happy with me and it feels so good. Unbeknownst to me however, after Pam is hired, he sexually harasses her. She tells me, but we don’t know what to do about it.

May  Sitting on my living room couch one evening, I watch my daughters play poker with their friends at the kitchen table, laughing and drinking beer. I suddenly realize that I never had an opportunity to have a teenage social life on the farm which was five miles from town. There was no opportunity to learn the skills of interacting socially that I see my daughters and their friends having. No wonder I never knew how to socialize and make friends like most other woman seem to be able do.

Usually it is men who have difficulty making friends. They rarely had close friends, like me. My tastes in clothes, my chosen activities, my occupation choices, desires and even my choices of love relationships or friends are much more like that of an apple man than an orange woman. I feel so humanly defective. Did I get too much testosterone in my mother's uterus?

I know my daughters who are close in age, share opinions, give and get advice from each other. Watching them interacting socially is extremely fulfilling for me. I'm probably living vicariously through them again. 

I was socially isolated as a teen on the farm, except during school hours. I had only myself to listen to about how to grow up in this world. I had no tv, internet wasn't invented, but there was a staticky radio with 15 minute soap operas I often tuned in to. 

I couldn’t show my children love or emotional bonding because I didn’t know anything about those things until I was sixty! I can barely imagine what it might feel like to have actually experienced love among family members. When I do imagine it during quiet times, sad tears come. I love my daughters and I can only show my love by doing for them; teaching and educating them, promoting their natural talents, keeping them safe, providing food, warmth, shelter and physical safety. It sounds more like how a father would show love for his children.

July  Pam came home from the restaurant this morning and announced Jim was killed last night. His helicopter crashed into the ocean, while he was on his way back from his Goleta restaurant with the day’s receipts. A few weeks later, I was laid off by the new owner, because I didn't have enough “accounting skills” to stay on.

I am still trying to discover what my talents and skills are. I take what the therapists and books say to heart. I am contemplating how to use my natural talents and skills for employment of some kind. I often go so deep inside myself I can hardly find my way back to the cruel outside world.


Sept. I have always loved taking pictures. I buy/charge an expensive video camera, thinking I can somehow make money with it. This new video capability seems like it might be fun and I could surely make money using it, going to people’s houses and videotaping children at a birthday party, or going to people’s houses and video tape belongings in case of a theft in their house. I love taking videos of the kids in the neighborhood or at the beach and I'm good at it. My dear friend Tom, comments on my ability to videotape birds at the beach in a way that tells a story.

I also believe I can start a Video Dating service. Yes, I say to myself I can do it. Go for it…says a voice inside and I do just that. I spend the summer setting it up. I even rent an office and put up a sign saying “Video Dating Services.” After paying someone to remodel my rented office a bit, I discover I have no marketing skills and don't know how to acquire any, so I fail at starting that business. 

I'm getting desperate to earn an income. I feel guided to learn to give massages for a living. In August I enroll in massage school because I am certain I can earn a decent living giving massages. I don’t have any private space in my own home to give massages. That would be ideal for me. After finishing the classes I purchase a heavy wooden massage table which I carry up and down stairs to client's apartments, which is exhausting. I need to get the 100 required hours of massages done. After receiving my certificate, our teacher explains that the city has just begun to require massage therapists to acquire 500 or so additional hours to become licensed. I give up any idea of making money massaging people.


It has become necessary to write. Life at times become so overwhelming that I must do something. Eat, drink, die, talk or write. Writing seems to be the least scary or threatening. Talking would be great, but who on earth is interested or would want to listen to me? Is that why Ma didn't listen to me? No, she didn't know how to get out of her own pain enough to listen. The effect however, is the same, I don't feel worth listening to. Even if I did, which I sort of do now, there is the fear. I think I am terrified of letting you see how defective and flawed I really am. Your reactions would hurt a lot. I'm still fearful, but it's mostly subconscious.

Was Ma's reaction to me so degrading that it became terrifying for me to open up and share myself? Is who I am awful? No… Ma just couldn't accept who I was because she wanted a different kind of daughter; someone more cuddly, less nervous, more unselfish, more huskier, less like Dad, more like her. I still feel rejected, and not worth loving. 

“I didn't know how to be like you wanted me to be Ma.” 

I don’t know how to be like people want, so I hide and stay true to my own spirit. I just know how to be me, but I know that isn't acceptable to others.

Dec.  After going on several temporary jobs, I land a job through Kelly Temporary Services which could become permanent. My big mistake was socializing with the more down to earth and authentic factory workers on breaks. My office co-workers complained to the boss I didn't socialize with them, so after three months I was fired, however I was told my work was "quite exceptional.

I go to another psychological counselor for a free initial visit, to try again to get some answers. I walk in and sit down in silence. The counselor doesn’t speak and after a few silent minutes, tears come from my silent self. The quiet counselor was there for me, she listened, she heard me non-verbally. I wanted to continue seeing her, but she didn't take my insurance. Of all the other counselors I'd seen, she was the very best.  


Feb.  I find a job at Quick Print taking printing orders, etc. for $4.00 an hour. The owner perceives me as stupid, probably because of my comprehension disability, which he is unaware of, however he doesn’t fire me. After a few months I realize that my daughters, who are almost grown, don’t need me anymore. I could not support them anyway on my salary so what am I to do going forward alone in my life?  Again I take stock of my life.

July  At the Unitarian church Phyllis announces she is having weekly mindful eating potlucks at her home. Something drew me to want to attend, even though meditation didn’t make much sense to me. Everyone brings delicious food and after a bit of socializing, we all fill our plate and find a spot somewhere on her property to sit quietly, mindfully eating. I did not see much value to eating quietly, it seemed more like a time to be sociable, but I am just learning about mindfulness, so I play along.

On a Saturday night the following October the Dali Lama is at Phyllis's for our pot luck. He is giving a talk at church in the morning. After eating, we usually sit in her living room and talk. This particular evening, the Dali Lama sat just about five feet from me. I experience him as just a regular guy, so I don't know why he is considered so special. Unfortunately, I knew nothing about his life or the significance of a spiritual teacher and I barely understood mindfulness.

Aug.  I went to “Parents Day” at Cal poly today for Sherry, who is about to start college there. I am so proud of all my girls. I produced and raised three of the most wonderful young women. I love them so much. They are beautiful and very accomplished. I see them becoming more than I could ever be. The past twenty years were well worth my struggles as a "professional mother.” 

I am totally in love with Tom. We are emotionally close, but there’s no hint of him wanting a romantic involvement with me. I talk to my journal because I can’t hold the sadness in and I can’t speak of it to him. 

"I feel angry Tom, because it feels like, if and when you decide to date, I won’t be the one you’ll date. Frightened because you are physically touching me more freely and I can't respond back freely. Sad because I am having to hold back my real self with you. Sad, tears come because I can't be emotionally close. I can't make arbitrary decisions any more, or build defenses or barriers. I feel so soft and weak. My orange is strengthening.

I apply for a job at McDonald’s in Ojai. As soon as I become familiar with everything, I am “promoted” to manager. It isn’t long before I become so afraid of the younger workers I was in charge of, not remembering their names or who I told to go on break last. I am subsequently demoted to flipping burgers and trying to learn the cash register, which was all digital and I couldn’t even learn that. My comprehension learning disability, coupled with anxiety got the best of me, I functioned so poorly I just quit because I saw no future here, especially if I did not have enough self confidence to even be a cashier.

I disappointed the Black woman owner. She really believed in me, because I had a college degree, however she wasn’t aware of my terribly low self esteem and lack of confidence in myself. Even though I tried really hard to believe I could do it. It was the terrible fear of the smart and confident young co-workers that got to me. It felt like I was in grade school with kids making fun of me again.

Oct.  I apply to my second drapery hanging company in Ventura and am hired. During my two weeks there I witness the bruises on the owner’s “wife’s” arms and face and noting the owner’s somewhat abrasive attitude, I became convinced he abuses her but, not until after he fires me for taking too long to hang a lot of draperies in a customer’s house. I feel so badly for his wife. 

Dec.  It is time for some life Affirmations. I begin affirming things, as if they were already true… “I enjoy my job and I’m making an excellent salary. I own a house that is somewhere in the country. There are lots of trees around and very quiet. I have a camper truck. I own a luxury car. I have a PhD in something, probably psychology. I am married to a man who loves me. We travel two or three times a year to distant places. I do photography and video taping. I am also an author and operate my 120 club, for people who want to live to one hundred and twenty years. I write, lecture and speak in my spare time.”


Success!  Feb. 7, 1985    Determined to Succeed! I am through with failure, poverty, self-pity, games, etc. Never again will I be poor and in lack. I am now determined at all costs to succeed. I have been to the bottom and there’s nowhere to go but up! 

I feel like a Native American with the same beliefs and philosophy. I value Nature and humanity. I am of the earth. I have a heritage of wilderness living; simple and natural. I love plants, animals, birds. I love music, the piano, and jazz. Love is all we need! I'm headed in a new direction.

My ambitions are many. I’d love to build web pages for a living. I want to have a 900 number Business and have people call for some important information I could provide for them. I want to start the bartering “Free for all” business; a service credit program. I want to speak every week somewhere. I want to join more Toastmasters clubs. I want to start my 120 club and write my apple / orange book. I need a home of my own, I am down to two housemates; I need three. My days are full, too full now. I have rejoined Toastmasters and am on my sixth speech. Life goes on. It is hard,, but I am good at hard living. I must love everyone however!

Mar.  I think maybe I can go back to school, major in psychology and become a counselor. Then I can discover for my own self what is wrong with me, instead of trying to find someone else who can tell me. So I decide to look into Graduate school. Maybe there I can see what other psychologists have to say about my psychological dilemma. I apply to a nearby college for their three year Masters psychology program. 

To my utmost surprise, I am accepted! Wow, I think they believe that I can make it, so I begin to believe it too. I take a GRE exam, but I need to re-take the reading section. I finally passed everything. Success is accomplishing my goals. Now I need to take two pre-requisite courses this summer to qualify. I can do that I thought, with great relief and a new belief in myself that I can indeed become a professional. I feel a positive attitude developing within. I qualify for some grant money and then I begin charging my tuition with several credit cards I have. I feel certain God and I will find a way to pay for this wonderful education. I am so very grateful.

Now I must turn my focus to my own self in order to become what I know I can be, deep within myself. I am turning a new page in my life. For the next twenty years there will be struggles of a different sort. I will grow in the work world. Another affirmation...."I will achieve financial success during these upcoming twenty years. By age 65 or before, I will be Dr. Keri Anderson, PhD psychologist, author, lecturer, speaker or minister." 

Apr.   I have just discovered a wonderful visionary and spontaneous Religious Science minister on television every Sunday. Teri Cole Whittaker lives “metaphysics” daily and shares her vision for the world. She inspires me to become a dynamic motivational speaker, which has been a deep secret desire of mine. Terry is now my role model and I begin video taping her programs and watch them over and over; they are so motivating. 

One Sunday I hear her say she is a Religious Science minister. I look in the phone book to see if there is church like that in Ventura and sure enough there is one. I begin attending and very quickly adopt their philosophy as my own. My spirit begins to grow and I love what I am learning from Teri. 

I read her book, “What you Think of me is None of my Business” and it had a great impact on me. “Terry I love you and I've always been with you. I know you because I know me. We are the same. Thank you.” I’ve recently chosen a new middle and last name that I like because it feels like the new me. I choose Lyn for a middle name and Anderson because it feels more like me, not my Dad’s or my ex-husband’s last name. It feels really very good to have my own last name. I become Keri Lyn Anderson which happens to have the same syllables as Teri Cole Whitaker.

"To have a friend, be a friend." My surroundings are changing, I'm back on track again. God is good to me. I ask God every time I think of it to guide me to my highest fulfillment. My name change is significant because of Teri Cole’s teachings. Terrible fears seem to have vanished. I now go deep within to discover who I really am and what my own values and beliefs are, which is very far away from the ones I'd been living with. I feel like a new person, with a new name and a new purpose.

Aug.  My recent accomplishments need to be written, there are so many. 

1- My need to blame others or myself has been extinguished. I am taking full responsibility for my life now.

2- My ability to accept a person and not their behavior is much enhanced. I can clearly see the difference.

3- My belief in myself and self worth is growing rapidly. I feel so supported because of Teri Cole's and her teachings.

4- Recognizing another’s struggle and growth, develops more empathy in myself. My orange is strengthening, because I am not so focused on "apple" me.

5- Fear and anxiety have decreased during this summer.

6- Feelings of worthiness develop. With belief and confidence in me as a unique person of worth, I realize I don't need to expend energy creating an image of how I want to be perceived.

8- Without needing to control what others think, I feel I can be more me and put my energy into doing my best. 

9- Without needing to control other's perceptions of me, I can relax and not be afraid, because now there are no expectations I have to live up to.

Yes, Teri Cole Whittaker, what others think of me truly is, "None of my Business."

I'll not forget three more wise sentences I heard. They are, 1- "I cannot find that which I am searching with,"  2- "Be your attention and be apart from your body, emotions and intellect," and 3- a question..."What is the purpose of your life?"

I remember after my mother’s scoldings she would always say in a negative manner, “Take yourself out of yourself and look at yourself.” She was wanting me to see my bad behavior and she said it so often to both my brother and me, that I got really good at observing myself. Now I can easily observe myself and notice my behavior. Thanks Ma. 

A silent voice says, "Be in a higher consciousness. Feel the energy. Feel earth energy coming up to meet mine. Feel one with the earth. Feel power and peace. I love you." Somehow these words seem meaningful enough to incorporate into my life.

One day I observe myself saying to friend Tom, over the phone, that nothing is truly real, it is all a matter of our perception of something, so nobody knows for sure what is really real. There is no objective perception, everything is a subjective perception. He immediately agrees as if he's always known that. I am learning to accept whatever is happening in my life, even that Tom doesn’t want me. I am sad, but that is what he wants, he told me in the beginning he was celibate so I can’t fault him. He is willing to at least be friends. Next week I start my graduate program.

October 13, Sunday  I discover my deepest feelings after church today are coming from fear. The quest for my Spirit at the Unitarian Church goes like this, “Tom, I want to go to breakfast with you. Carol I wanted to talk to you. Peter I want to connect with you. Lynn, I like you and would like to connect with you. Frederica and Jack I want to connect with you both.” Tom, Carol, Peter, Jack,  Lynn, Frederica. People I like a lot… but fear keeps me apart from you all and I don’t know why.

I latch on to this great quote by John Schaar. “The Future” I call it. “The future is not the result of choices among alternative paths offered. It is a place that is created; first in mind and will and next in activity. The future is not someplace we are going to, but one we have created. The paths to it are not found, but made and the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination.” This message resonates strongly within me. I am now actively creating my future. It feels good to be more in charge of my life.

I have noticed several levels of communication in people recently and I came up five distinct levels. The deepest one being level five. It is where deep important stuff is exchanged. I am only interested in level 5 conversation where experiencing takes place, feelings flow freely, all is subjective, being in the moment and relaxed. For instance a conversation might go like; I am feeling love for you right now. Are you in touch with what you are feeling about me right now? Do you want to connect emotionally without words? I believe the only way to feel the spirit is to connect with another spirit. I heard that somewhere. I want to be able to overcome my fear and allow people into my life so I can have a closeness with them.

Thoughts, feelings, reactions: I become my thoughts, my feelings and my reactions. Big mistake! I want to stay above these and observe them only. Today I observed my feelings. I went to church feeling strong and unemotional. It seems like when I feel emotional, I feel weak. If I don’t feel emotional, I feel strong. My "Orange" is a gentle yet submissive part of me. When I am being a harder stronger "Apple" I cannot simultaneously have a soft weaker "Orange" part working. How to shift into Orange, that is where Sprit is. I want to be Orange, yet I want to be emotionally strong also. How to have the best of both worlds? A blending is needed.












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