Separated physically, yet her belongings are so thoroughly mixed with mine and must be torn apart. Will we always be friends? I hope so.

It's hard to collect thoughts tonight. Coming home from a Lesbian party alone, for the first time since Becky left. Going to the gathering was a good feeling because I knew everyone, but coming home feels so extremely sad. I want to talk with Becky.

Valentine's Day was yesterday. I know it brought many emotional feelings for Becky; a special day for her. It must have been so hard. I got a note from her. We do have something together that’s good. Something is missing though and I don't know what. It's coming from my orange, I am sure of that.

I write a note to Becky in my new “diary.” Becky, Becky, Becky, my once Love. I am so, so sorry for using you in my life to further my growth and to experience what it is like to have a wife, as well as a "Mommy" who loves and cares about me, unconditionally. May I never do to another as I have done to you; my biggest sin. Should I confess? I did use you knowingly and you trusted and loved me anyway. What kind of a person does that make me? The worst kind. May no one ever use you like I did. You can't go through another relationship like ours. I am so, so sorry. 

I used another person, drained them of their love, then threw them away. That is the lowest thing anyone can do and I'm getting away with it. I should confess and make amends. Somehow I knew our relationship would be over as soon as I found out who I was and how to get what I wanted. I knew it in Tennessee. The focus is always on me, my emotional growth and what I want, which is so apple.

How can I be different, so that others don't become so hooked on me? I do it. I cause them to become hooked. I know they admire me and I play it up, until I'm sure of their love (my security,) then I play around controlling and doing what I want to do. In reality, I just want a close friend, like I did when I first met Becky. Now that she's gone, I don't really miss her. I am concerned about how she's getting on though, but she hasn’t given me her phone number yet. 

~~~~

A lot is happening to me, in me, for me. I seem to be watching it all though. Some days I'm sad. Some nights I'm sad. Some nights I'm glad like when I think of tomorrow night, because I'll be going to a movie with Becky. Maybe Saturday evening Diane and I can talk. 

My orange seems to be getting stronger. I don't know now what I feel about Becky. Since the past weekend I feel acceptance of who Becky is. I feel gentler, kinder. To Becky it probably seems like I am more loving. Live in the now!  I say to myself. Enjoy the now and don't have expectations. Expectations can make future “nows” so disappointing. 

~~~~

I Just wish Becky wasn't so accepting, loving and so tolerating of mean me. Wish I was so tired I could just go to sleep. Feel like crying. I’m so sad. Why? I'm alone, no one to comfort me. I'm spoiled and so anxious, why?

Diane can't tell when I'm tired or sad. She comforted me some, but went to bed without saying a few words or connecting first, making me feel so rejected. I'm experiencing an extreme amount of “orangeness” these days. I am being just like my emotional Becky. Hair, really seeing hair, face, arms; noticing what they are like. I don't like the “appleness” in Diane and it is so much more obvious or intensified, when I am being and feeling so orange. 

 Becky comes back Home

I feel like I have to be with Becky again. What I have felt for her is stronger than any bond I've ever felt with anyone in my whole life. How could this be? I want to be with her and see if maybe it was just “friend love,” carried too far. If I couldn’t be a Lesbian, then why couldn’t I just let myself love her as a friend. It didn’t seem to be the answer, but what else to do? With this in mind I go visit her in her rented room. We sat on the floor, against opposite walls. She mentions moving. 

"Where do you think you will live?" I ask.

“I'll probably go live with Kee, but I really don't think it's a good idea. I'm feeling a bit displaced." 

I wanted her to come home with me, but she’s living her own life now and I respected her decision. I couldn’t ask her to be my lover because I can’t accept being a Lesbian. But I could say come home and be my friend. I did and she came.

Today I opened the front door and Becky is standing there with her suitcase. I had to hug her so quickly. There is no way that I could stand still for even a moment and just look at her before hugging. I have to either rush in and hug someone, or I can’t hug them at all. When I tell Becky this, she thinks it strange. 

For a brief time my love for her feels okay as friends. I don’t dare question her on how she feels about me. I couldn’t stand it. I love her with everything in me short of Lesbianism. Kissing, making love; commitments are out of the question. 

I have no claim to my Becky. The hurt didn't last long because I felt it deeply, totally and completely. I realize now that I can feel deep pain and get over it, almost by the next day. Understanding makes the pain go; so strange. Becky used to say that was how it was with her and I couldn't understand.

If someone caused me pain in the past, I’d want to dump them. All my growth is actually towards becoming like Becky. Everything I never understood about her emotional self, I am now becoming. The other night I experienced her hair again; so very pretty. But now I am in the process of becoming straight.

If I could find the words to share my thoughts. Or if thoughts could be put into words and I could express them, maybe people would see me in a positive light. I am happy, but without a way to express it. I feel like if I expressed positive stuff to Becky about herself, she'd stop growing. If she gets the love and/or acceptance she needs, she'll stop advancing emotionally. She's doing so very well. Tonight I almost love her. She's thinking of her life and becoming a writer. I feel like telling her she is doing well, but I don't dare. 

Becky seems to have more control of her life and emotions now. I feel proud of her for attempting to move in a good direction job wise. She's pushing on and progressing. It seems as if she likes herself more than she did before she moved out. Maybe socializing with other people or because of our agreeing to be just friends is the reason. I begin to feel much more comfortable with loving her and we fall back into familiar physical closeness. 

I’ve learned a different way to be with Becky since she came back. Now when we sleep together I am loving it, feeling her body next to mine; touching, but not much sex. I am not desiring sex, instead desiring mostly physical body contact. Until Becky, I never felt such "orange" comfort and relaxing sensations while being in contact with another body, hugging and holding each other in bed. I don't want sex at all which helps me feel more clearly what I do want. The relaxation from touching is a brand new experience and I simply love it.

Becky shows me what love is. I am listening to my feelings more, thanks to my much stronger “orange” brain activation." These nights are my happiest ever.

When I get up to go to the bathroom in the night, I return to a warm soft Becky. I can’t begin to describe this incredible night delight. I am letting go more and more. I am beginning to accept my feelings as feelings of love, possibly Lesbian love and they feel good. I can never thank her enough nor do I need to. I have fallen in love with a Lesbian. I am a Lesbian. Becky is a Lesbian. The only uncomfortable negative part is the fear of what I believe is the disgrace of Lesbian lovemaking. I don’t share any of this with Becky, just with you; my journal.

 ~ Beginning Computer Programming School ~

June - I am fired from my oiler job in heavy equipment for what I feel is female discrimination. Coming home today, I feel like a big time failure and dread having to tell my family I was fired. There is a terrible sinking feeling as I walk through our front door. A few days later, I sign up at the Union hall and await another job assignment.

A week later I’m called for a heavy equipment job moving rocks with the skip loader for a different company. After two weeks I am fired again. I decide it isn’t worth the grief of trying to survive in an all male career. The timing just isn’t good, being the only female and feeling discriminated against. I decide not to request any more jobs. I finally give up my dream of a heavy equipment career, which I really loved.

I am angry about my life. Angry that I have to live it this way. Frustrated because I don't know of a solution or what to do. Blaming others where blame need not be. I fought Lesbianism too long and too hard to give up now. Now I have a lot of hurts, but I can live through them; they are just that, little hurts. How Becky used to say the same thing. I am in such frustration with my life. I want someone to tell me what to do. I want a mommy and a daddy.

~~~~

I begin working with a disability counselor at the Vocational Rehabilitation Center in Ventura. I am needing help finding a job. They are the most wonderful supportive people I ever ran into. They are genuinely interested in helping me become employable. One of our friends Lillian, tells me about a computer class she is taking in Los Angeles at a place called Control Data Institute. I become very interested and want to attend this school and learn computer programming. 

As an "apple background" person, with detail oriented skills, I'm convinced I'd make a good computer programmer. I show the Vocational Rehab people there are several jobs available, so they paid for me to attend Control Data Institute in LA. I am extremely grateful.

Becky agrees to take care of the girls and the house while I stay at May’s near the school in LA, during the week and return home on the weekends. I am surprised and so pleased that she offered to do this. I am extremely happy and I love the idea of learning a new skill in something I am very interested in, computer programming.

July 4th - Becky and I go to an annual campout for the weekend. It is a great weekend with a hundred or so Lesbians. Even May was there. Becky meets a new friend Lyn, whom she likes a lot. I’m so content with Becky emotionally changing and growing plus being with me. She isn’t thinking of leaving me, nor I her. I want Becky to have friends. I want me to have friends. I have to let her go and trust her because I am loving her. Becky wants someone special! I want someone special!

I need to get the dog’s stitches out, get the radio back into the car, make appointment for Pam’s teeth finals, shop for food, buy kids camp stuff, all this will be done by Sunday. I'm looking forward to free energy where all I will have is schoolwork to do. Now I must sleep. I will find friends. I don't want to be Gay, but I don't want to get pregnant either. Good night. I love flowy things, clothes and jewelry. Orange/feminine feelings are surfacing.

The computer programming classes are a lot of fun. I spend a few nights at May's during the week, away from my daughters for the first time ever which is utterly refreshing. I do feel a huge sense of guilt here in LA with no responsibilities except to myself and school. 

However, I am so happy to be able to focus only on writing the computer programs. I love being able to “control” the computer and make it do what I want. Typing up the computer punch cards is a bit boring, but after I get the program to work, it is pure joy. Pascal is our first computer language. Assembly will be next, followed by Fortran and then Cobol, the most difficult and challenging. 

 ~ Separation pain ~

Saturday night and I am home alone. Becky is in Redondo Beach with Lyn. I had a wonderful experience today. I walked the beach with a group of people in Santa Barbara; the Sierra Singles. The sun shone on the water and I literally saw and absorbed beauty, like I never had before. The sailboats were were beautiful. I know this is a true “orange” experience. I hope it is real and not just a pot smoking hangover. I even saw and felt unusual beauty on television tonight. 

This journal book cover is beautiful. I know this is the orange experience of beauty because I don’t experience book covers this way as my “apple” self. I hope I have gotten in enough “stoned orange time” to begin reaping the benefits when I’m not stoned. These feelings I had today were so good to have had. 

Becky is not here and I want to share this with her. It bugs me that I can't. I actually want to share my excitement of what my orange brain allowed me to experience. I hear the “apple” voice in my head speaking firmly to me, “Keri I'm telling you now for real, you can't  have what you want all the time where Becky is concerned, because now Becky is only a friend with a separate life.” 

Thursday  The pain of being alone all night Saturday night while Becky was at Lyn’s was the catalyst. I'm going through this new step because it is the next step. I knew it would happen sooner or later, that I’d be out of control and be hurt in order to grow through it. I don't spend energy now avoiding hurtful situations, but as a consequence of that, I do become hurt. 

I am choosing to be out-of-control, “orange.” I don't want to spend energy trying to control situations in my life, so I am allowing myself to be hurt; my latest growth. I’m feeling what other people feel now, in that I feel sad when they are sad. 

I think maybe now I'm going to work on making everyone happy so that I can be happy. I sense the place where Becky is. If she is in a bad place I feel like it's my fault and I want to make it better. My energy will now go into pleasing others. How far will I go? Not too far I hope. 

Gay is okay if you love each other in a relationship. The main thing is to love and care about each other in a relationship, gay or straight. My “apple” self is always afraid to please others for the sake of pleasing them. I could see nothing in it for me, so I didn't please them. I was not taught to please people, nor have I ever been able to. I know women who are orange often do that. 

Being so “orange” myself now, I see the benefits of pleasing someone. There is an apple idea of what is emotionally healthy and an inner “orange” self that knows what is healthy. Society considers most females as “orange.” I don't want to be identified as a woman, only as female. I don't feel the way orange women feel. I am different. 

I didn’t develop my orange brain part of me early in life. My emotional trauma was so great at eighteen months, my brain turned off any future emotional connections, so I wouldn’t have to suffer another trauma. Consequently only my left brain was functioning growing up. 

I'm home tonight, making myself sick. This is crazy I know. But what do you do when you're waiting for someone you care about? It is almost unbearable. It's not that I'm jealous that Becky is socializing with Helene or in a bar, but I suffer alone in bed. 

Out of bed I try tranquilizing myself. I’m crying, being sad, hurt, not knowing how to go to sleep alone, while Becky is out having a good time. Her not wanting to end her evening translates to me as not wanting to come home to just me. I am not enough. I have failed as a friend. I feel like I want to do that to her now. 

Does she know how I suffer when I have to go through this? First with Lyn, now with Helene. I socialized once after class with Willie but I was home by 10:30, not 2 or 3 am! I wouldn't do that, but now I'm going to do it. I want her to feel this bad, if she ever would; probably not. She didn't like it when I was out with Willie though. Why does she do this to me? Why, why, why? No answer comes.

I have to tell her how much it hurts me. Will she continue to do it? I don't mind her going out to events or whatever, but it hurts that she doesn't come home afterwards. Why can't she come home afterwards and save me from suffering  like this? I can't bear it. I want a relationship where we don't do this to each other. Is that possible? 

I don't want to stop writing now because I'll cry and feel so bad. This is crazy. I don't want to be alone at night after ten. If this is an "open relationship” I don't want it. I cannot handle it. I think I'm falling in love with Becky. I want to build this relationship before opening it up to “others.”

If I had told her this morning how much I was going to suffer tonight, would she still have stayed out? The risk of finding out is too great.  What to do? I went to sleep earlier because Pam was in bed with me and I pretended she was Becky; that way I could get to sleep. Then I wake up at midnight and hear Sherry come in. I know now I can't go back to sleep. I'm making myself sick. Where is she; why can't she come home to me? I'll hold her. I'll be nice if she comes home after events.

She has to get up in the morning, so do I. Why can't she come home to get some sleep so she won't be so tired in the morning. Please come home. Please come home! Please come home! All I can do is write, write and write some more, because it's too painful to stop.

I console myself from/with my "apple" and logical self, Anna.

“I’m simply disappointed that she didn't come home, nothing else. I don't love her. I want nothing from her. She just lives here; period. I am single and must make friends. I don't think Becky is a very good friend. You can't talk to her like you can other people. She just listens. No interest in the topic it seems. I am alone and it is scary. I'm lucky she lives here and shares the rent. I do hope that continues, but I think she really likes Lyn.”

Sept.   The girls begin their school year and I am so appreciative of Becky taking responsibility for them during the week, while I attend school. It still feels like such a luxury to be able to stay at May’s and just study. With my comprehension challenges with technical and precise information, I need a lot of absolute quiet time to fully focus and concentrate. 

Last night I wrote to my Mom and told her I forgive her and Dad. It is a relief to be able to forgive them. They did the best they knew how for me and loved me as best they could, but I couldn’t feel their love. All I felt mostly was criticism and shame.

I bought my little girls (teenagers) gifts to take home to them. I know they are home and might need me… but I don't need them in my life right now. I’m feeling terrible guilt, tempered with okay feelings about me as a female, not mothering. I’m finding a new identity. I’m relating to people and not feeling so afraid. Finding myself. Loving myself. I don't want to go home!

 

~~~~~